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Fat

April 20, 2013 By 6 Comments

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I’m fat. Yes, I know this isn’t news to those of you who’ve met me in person or who follow me on Facebook. It isn’t really news to me, either, except…

Except that in my head I’ve already made the switch to being trim and fit. I work out every morning. I don’t eat junky snacks or brownies or white carbohydrates of any kind. I monitor my thoughts at all times to catch any automatic negative self-talk. When asked why I’m not having the aforementioned brownie, I say – both to myself and the person asking – that I’m choosing  not to because it’s better for my health. Not that I can’t have that because I’m on a diet and it’s a “bad” food. (You know there’s no such thing as “bad” or “good” foods, right? Please humor me and nod your heads now.)

I’m doing all of the right things and my blood sugar is in nearly perfect control – not just good, but perfect!, and I’ve lost some weight. So in my head, I’ve already made the switch and I must be magically not fat now.

And then a very nice colleague of my husband’s, at a volunteer function, congratulated us on the upcoming birth of our child while gesturing at my stomach, and a little part of me wanted nothing more than to simultaneously burst into tears while melting away and disappearing completely.

“I’m still so fat. This healthy lifestyle thing isn’t working. I need to go on a diet, pronto, and make this go away. I can’t eat “healthy” portions of normal foods, I need to weigh and measure everything. I can’t trust myself because I’m still fat.”

3120826795 7c5d3ee7cb z Fat

funhouse by Jessi *AfterImage* via Flickr

That’s what swirled around in my head for the next hour or so after I escaped to the local shopping center to walk around while dealing with my thoughts. I posted something about the incident on my Facebook page about how I’d lost 25 pounds but it wasn’t enough to make me not fat. Friends began writing lovely messages, particularly one who’d just seen me the day before and told me how great I’d looked, but in my heart I knew it was all true: I’m so fat that I look like a pregnant girl. And then one friend – my dear,, wise friend Rosa – wrote something I’ll never forget. She told me to go to the grocery store, pull five 5-pound bags of sugar from the shelves, and see just how insignificant 25 pounds gone from my body really was.

And, just like that, the inside of my head snapped out of its funk and I could see clearly again. Yes, I’m still fat, but:

  • I’m no longer Morbidly Obese (just Obese)
  • My blood sugar readings are half what they used to be. (Yes, really – half!)
  • I workout every morning for 50 minutes at a time and I’m working my way up to the recommended 60 minutes a day
  • Most of my clothes and all of my undergarments no longer fit because I’ve lost so much weight from my waist and midsection
  • When my husband says, “Let’s walk to dinner,” I smile and tell him that sounds like a great idea instead of scowling and saying, “Yeah, right”
  • I’m confronting my depression every time it pops up – and it does so on an alarmingly regular basis – instead of letting it bring me down and ruin my happiness
  • I am happy, people! Deeply and unreservedly happy. Not the manic faux-happiness that is the flip side of my depression but real, quiet, deep-down-in-my-heart happiness

So I stopped ignoring the rumbling in my stomach after waiting too long for lunch, walked to a nearby restaurant, ordered food that sounded delicious in a portion size that I felt comfortable would be enough to get me to dinner but not enough to fill me up completely, and then sat and ate with enjoyment. By myself. Without worrying that others were judging me for what or how much I was eating.

Yes, I’m still fat, and that’s OK.

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If at first you don’t win the Fitbit Zip, try and try again

April 12, 2013 By 2 Comments

Only one lucky person – Greta, in this case – could win the Tenth Blogiversary Fitbit Zip raffle, which makes me feel slightly guilty. If I could buy each of you one of these wonderful gadgets, I would, honestly, but I can’t. Then I found out that Emmie is giving away a Fitbit Zip on her blog this week and I thought I ought to pass that information along in case any of you aren’t already following Emmie’s blog.

Go on over, enter the contest, and tell Emmie that Denise sent you. (You don’t have to do that last part, I’ve just always wanted to say that!)

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Today I am sad OR how to deal with your emotions when you can’t eat them away

March 25, 2013 By Leave a Comment

“My health is more important than a bean and cheese burrito.”

“I’m sad but it will pass and I don’t need to eat something to make that happen.”

These are the new messages I’m chanting over and over inside my head, trying to drown out the old, established favorites, like:

“Did someone make you feel bad? Here, have a piece of cheese.”

“I feel like crap. I need Mexican food, stat.”

“I’m not strong enough to handle this by myself, so I’ll turn to my favorite friend, food.”

CHIMICHANGA burrito Today I am sad OR how to deal with your emotions when you cant eat them away

my favorite chimichanga burrito

What I’m learning is that, much like my time on the treadmill each morning is building my physical strength, I need to build my emotional muscles, too. I feel sad and am tired, so I’m having a cup of tea and then I’m going home for a nap before dinner.

Are you one of the lucky ones who never even associates sadness or anger with a binge of epic proportions? If so, can you share: how do you handle feeling sad or angry without using food? 

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How am I doing? (a check in)

March 24, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Things are going well here at Lottalatte Central, at least health-wise. My blood sugar readings are consistently good, I’m at the gym at least five mornings a week for 45 minutes a go, and I’m eating nearly no white carbs while adding loads more beans, fruits, and veggies to my meals. TCB is also monitoring his food intake and is incredibly supportive of my need to get a grip on my health; we have honestly never been happier.

28530048 ebf9e5ca7b How am I doing? (a check in)

Balanced rocks by gr8what via Flickr

On the other side of the equation, our 20 year old house guest – Alcott’s 20 year old sister – disappeared for 28 days with nary a word then when I inquired as to when she planned to come and get her things (and her cat), got very offended, stomped up and down the stairs in silence for 90 minutes while moving out, and has been ignoring us ever since. I suppose it’s silly of me to expect some kind of “thank you” for the nine months we let her stay with us rent and household expense free but I’m still bothered by her behavior. Still, it’s for the best and her leaving has given me the time I’ve needed to focus on working out and eating properly, so all’s well that ends well.

While my blood sugar has been responding beautifully to the changes in diet and exercise, the scale has not been as ready to drop. Not to say that I’m not losing weight, it’s just that when your mind has already shifted into “I’m living a healthy lifestyle and I’m a healthy, fit person” mode, it’s disconcerting to realize that it’s not that simple when it comes to losing weight. I didn’t gain 100 pounds overnight – although it sometimes feels like it! – and it’s not going to come off that way, either. I keep catching myself day dreaming about all of the gorgeous clothes I’m going to wear “soon”, when I can fit into normal clothing sizes instead of being stuck with the few items of plus sized clothing that don’t look like they were made by Omar the Tent Maker. The problem arises when I realize with a thud that I’m still MILES and MILES from anywhere near being out of plus sizes. “But I’m ready now,” wails my poor, confused brain, while my body just goes about the difficult business of shedding over 100 pounds in a safe and sane manner.

It’s a difficult business, this healthy living gig.

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Goals for March (better late than never)

March 12, 2013 By 2 Comments

I know it’s nearly halfway through March and here I am with my goals – shame! Work has just slammed me to the wall and we’ve had some domestic upheaval around here – not TCB and I and not the furkids – so I just haven’t had the time or the energy to write.

I have, however, had the energy to go to the gym 21 days out of 28 in February and 6 days out of 8 so far in March, and I feel very good about that.

I also tracked every morsel – no matter whether it was “good” (whatever that means) food, healthy food, a healthy or unhealthy amount of food – if I ate it or drank it, I tracked it. My Fitness Pal is my new best friend!

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Artichoke in our community garden, taken on 4/22/12

So what are my plans for (the rest of) March?

Let’s first look back at my bigger goals for 2013, which are

  • fasting blood sugar reading below 130 mg/dL
  • triglycerides reading less than 150 mg/dL
  • body weight at or below 220 pounds,
  • and an improved quality of life as perceived by me

Goals for March:

  1. Make appointments with my endocrinologist (Diabetes doctor), my general practitioner (for my annual exam), and my optometrist – I’ve done the first two already, so one to go
  2. Work out at gym five or six times a week, 45 minutes each visit – need to increase my intensity because my heart rate isn’t even getting into the “moderate” exertion zone at this point but I don’t want to push my body faster than my legs can take me at this point, so it will be a slow increase
  3. Eat at least two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables on three days a week – I’m currently not getting much fruit at all, so this will be a good improvement for me
  4. Cook dinner at home at least twice a week – if you’ve been reading for a while, you know that I don’t currently eat at home at all. I do manage to stay within my recommended calories and get loads of veggies, but I would like to have more control of the ingredients and preparation. Besides, it would really be nice to know what I’m having for dinner before we get in the car and go back and forth about where to go for dinner. I will need to prep everything up front but it’s still d0-able.
  5. Schedule an anti-aging facial and make it a monthly thing – I am seeing improvement in the wrinkles but I know that professional treatments will make that even better. Also, I’ve been breaking out along my chin and I’m hoping the cleansing and extractions will help with that
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Project Me: February retrospective and review

March 3, 2013 By 2 Comments

I can’t believe it’s already March – where is this year going so quickly?

Here is my Project Me backlog for February…

  • Join gym with Mick – helps both of us get and stay healthier
  • Work out at gym four times a week for 30-45 minutes each visit – nothing too strenuous or involved, just get in there and move; exercise is very good at helping to lower my blood sugar
  • No snacking on junk in the afternoons at work – purchase fruit and veggies, have them prepared and ready, and eat as many of them as I like but NO junk (vending machine munchies, trail mix that a co-worker made at home and brought in, Girl Scout cooking)
  • Eat a breakfast with healthy protein – my current obsession is a breakfast sandwich with one egg poached hard, lean ham or turkey, a slice of cheese, and a slice of whole grain bread – and skip the pastries when I get my nonfat latte in the morning
  • Apply my anti-wrinkle eye and face treatments every night before bed after washing my face – this one goes to my fourth long-term goal to improve my quality of life: I’m tired of looking at my sad, tired, wrinkled face every day and there are things that can be done to make the wrinkles go away if only I’ll actually take the five minutes to do them consistently!
      • So how did I do?
  • Gym joined and being used regularly. Since February 17th when I bought my Fitbit, I’ve worked out all but two days – not bad!
  • I started out walking for 30 minutes at a time and now I’m at 45 minutes each session – my goal – and increasing intensity by 10% per week.
  • No afternoon snacks except for fresh fruit or veggies since February 1st. Lord knows I’ve dealt with some powerful urges to binge eat junk but I’ve tuned in and acknowledged the feelings instead of eating them away and it’s working so far.
  • My standard breakfast is two hard boiled eggs and a cup of nonfat Greek yogurt with fruit. Most mornings I also stop off for a nonfat, no sugar added mocha, too, but not always.
  • Have definitely remembered to use my anti-wrinkle night treatments most nights. Not sure I see a difference in the really deep wrinkles in between my brows and around my mouth yet but the rest of my face and the fine lines are definitely improved plus my skin is much softer, so a win any way you measure it.

    • Still thinking about goals for March but they’ll definitely be along the same lines as February’s. must check in on my 2013 big goals, too, to make sure I’m still on track to meet those, too.

    Any health and fitness related goals for you this month? Share, please!

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    A little bit of motivation

    February 26, 2013 By Leave a Comment

    I mentioned in an earlier post that I’m using a Fitbit One activity monitor along with a Fitbit Aria wi-fi enabled scale. In case you’re not familiar with these devices, let me give you a little run down on what they do and why I’m excited to have them in my arsenal.

    simple.b dis png.h05bffa2783efc361b4fe140cd678ed09.pack A little bit of motivation

    Fitbit One activity monitor

    I’ve used a lot of pedometers/activity monitors through the years and they all work in basically the same way: you wear them at your waist and they keep track of your steps throughout the day. The One is a little different because it not only keeps track of my steps but also how many flights of stairs I take and how much sleep I get every day. The idea is to give you a picture of your whole life so that you can work on areas that aren’t where you’d like them to be. All of that information is sent wirelessly to a web portal/iPhone app where it joins up with information from the available scale (see below) and other information you can manually input such as water consumption and what you’ve eaten all day. I got bored by manually entering my food after a day so I started using the MyFitnessPal application, which talks with Fitbit so it knows how many extra calories I can eat based on my activity level for the day. (Hooray for extra calories!)

    Since one of my long-term goals for this year is to lose 10% of my body weight, I’m going to be weighing every week. (I’ve added a countdown widget from MyFitnessPal to the sidebar so you can all follow along at home.)

    simple.b dis png.h90165c3211e4edcba5f3ffc6f98427ad.pack A little bit of motivation

    Fitbit Aria wi-fi smart scale

    I love our Aria scale because not only is it an accurate and consistent way to see how my weight is coming along but it sends all of my data to the Fitbit website and app without me doing anything other than standing there on Sunday mornings and praying. (Not sure the prayer helps with weight loss but it can’t hurt, right?)

    Anyway, I think part of the allure of my Fitbit paraphernalia is that it makes this whole “eat less, move more” thing a bit like a game, and I do like games, particularly those that come with prizes. (Did I mention I’ve gotten several badges for my walking now?) Shiny objects and silly badges – who knew that was all I needed to get me motivated to take better care of myself.

    Are any of you on Fitbit and/or MyFitnessPal? If so, please add me as a friend so that we can share in the fun together.

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    Why mindfulness matters

    February 21, 2013 By 4 Comments

    I want to eat. I want to eat right now. I want to eat a packet of peanuts and a chocolate biscuit and some of that trail mix that someone so kindly left in our courtyard at work. I want to eat it all so that whatever it is I’m feeling right now will JUST BLOODY STOP.

    8241084495 5f94b9edc6 Why mindfulness matters

    ~mindful monday~ by Gypsy Forest via Flickr

    Those are the thoughts swirling around in my head as I careen through another fun-filled day at my job.

    The group leader (a therapist) for my Making Peace With Food class last night said that it’s OK to eat when you’re not hungry sometimes. My mind absolutely would not accept that then and I’m not having it right now, either. For me, using food as a numbing agent is what got me here with 96 pounds to go – did you see the nifty My Fitness Pal countdown thingy on the sidebar??? – and no clue what to do when I feel uncomfortable. I understand that she’s trying to stop us from beating ourselves up for less-than-perfect behavior, but if I let myself think that it’s OK to eat that packet of peanuts because I’m frustrated with someone at work then where does it stop? The next time Mick sits fiddling with the computer as the minutes tick by and we’re already late for an appointment, is it OK for me to grab a piece of cheese so that I won’t kill him?

    I don’t know about everyone else, but that is a very slippery slope for me and it’s just not something I can be OK with.

    What I’m practicing instead is sitting with the discomfort and letting myself really be here and feel it. No disappearing inside my mind. No distracting myself – not with food nor with anything else. I’m angry and, while that’s always been a “bad” feeling for me, it won’t kill me.

    To help me through this, I’m anchoring myself in the reality of the situation with all of my senses so that I don’t drift away and blow things up out of proportion. I slipped out of my heels so that I could put my bare feet on the carpet and feel the squishiness under my toes. I’m listening to two colleagues discuss a new product feature and how customers should interact with it. The cold water in my cup feels delicious as it washes through my mouth and I love the way it feels to type on this keyboard because it’s got old-fashioned proper keys instead of the little, tiny ones on most modern Mac keyboards.

    For me, being fully present and experiencing the discomfort is the best way for me to learn that food is not the answer for everything. If you have used food inappropriately in the past, do you have new habits for dealing with stress that you’ve picked up on your healthy living journey? I’d love any thoughts and suggestions you might have to contribute.

    In the meantime, I must go and have a nice, calm chat with a fellow employee so that I can give him the gift of constructive feedback.

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    December 18, 2012 By

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    I love: Furbish Studio

    December 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

    In preparation for my recent Blogger Road Trip with Shauna, I did some research on – read: got a little obsessed with – fun places for us to go and see while we were in Raleigh. One of the places I found was Furbish Studio, a great furniture, accessory, lifestyle shop in a semi-industrial neighborhood in Raleigh. I signed up for email notifications from the owner’s blog and that was the beginning of my magnificent obsession. My visit to the store marked one of the high points of my visit for me even though I was unable to figure out how to fit any of the gorgeous settees or club chairs into my carry on bags for the trip home.

    xmasgiveaway blog 295x300 I love: Furbish Studio

    Furbish Studio giveaway on I suwannee blog

    Today, I suwannee blog is hosting a great giveaway that is sure to become my latest obsession. What will the winner receive? A set of mr. and mrs. holiday cocktail glasses, a golden donkey ornament, a set of holiday cards, a box of ikat napkins, and a glittered chevron ornament. I want all of it, of course, but I have to admit that it’s the holiday cards that made me really sit up and take notice. While it will decrease my chances every so slightly if you do so, I urge you to get over there and enter to win. (If I don’t win it’s better that one of my friends does, right?)

    Which item in the giveaway is YOUR favorite?

    p.s. This post is not sponsored but it will earn another entry for the giveaway for me. That being said, my gushing admiration for the store is 100% genuine, if a bit embarrassing now that I see it in black and white.

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