Denise

Fat

April 20, 2013 By Denise 6 Comments

I’m fat. Yes, I know this isn’t news to those of you who’ve met me in person or who follow me on Facebook. It isn’t really news to me, either, except…

Except that in my head I’ve already made the switch to being trim and fit. I work out every morning. I don’t eat junky snacks or brownies or white carbohydrates of any kind. I monitor my thoughts at all times to catch any automatic negative self-talk. When asked why I’m not having the aforementioned brownie, I say – both to myself and the person asking – that I’m choosing not to because it’s better for my health. Not that I can’t have that because I’m on a diet and it’s a “bad” food. (You know there’s no such thing as “bad” or “good” foods, right? Please humor me and nod your heads now.)

I’m doing all of the right things and my blood sugar is in nearly perfect control – not just good, but perfect!, and I’ve lost some weight. So in my head, I’ve already made the switch and I must be magically not fat now.

And then a very nice colleague of my husband’s, at a volunteer function, congratulated us on the upcoming birth of our child while gesturing at my stomach, and a little part of me wanted nothing more than to simultaneously burst into tears while melting away and disappearing completely.

“I’m still so fat. This healthy lifestyle thing isn’t working. I need to go on a diet, pronto, and make this go away. I can’t eat “healthy” portions of normal foods, I need to weigh and measure everything. I can’t trust myself because I’m still fat.”

funhouse by Jessi *AfterImage* via Flickr

That’s what swirled around in my head for the next hour or so after I escaped to the local shopping center to walk around while dealing with my thoughts. I posted something about the incident on my Facebook page about how I’d lost 25 pounds but it wasn’t enough to make me not fat. Friends began writing lovely messages, particularly one who’d just seen me the day before and told me how great I’d looked, but in my heart I knew it was all true: I’m so fat that I look like a pregnant girl. And then one friend – my dear,, wise friend Rosa – wrote something I’ll never forget. She told me to go to the grocery store, pull five 5-pound bags of sugar from the shelves, and see just how insignificant 25 pounds gone from my body really was.

And, just like that, the inside of my head snapped out of its funk and I could see clearly again. Yes, I’m still fat, but:

I’m no longer Morbidly Obese (just Obese)
My blood sugar readings are half what they used to be. (Yes, really – half!)
I workout every morning for 50 minutes at a time and I’m working my way up to the recommended 60 minutes a day
Most of my clothes and all of my undergarments no longer fit because I’ve lost so much weight from my waist and midsection
When my husband says, “Let’s walk to dinner,” I smile and tell him that sounds like a great idea instead of scowling and saying, “Yeah, right”
I’m confronting my depression every time it pops up – and it does so on an alarmingly regular basis – instead of letting it bring me down and ruin my happiness
I am happy, people! Deeply and unreservedly happy. Not the manic faux-happiness that is the flip side of my depression but real, quiet, deep-down-in-my-heart happiness

So I stopped ignoring the rumbling in my stomach after waiting too long for lunch, walked to a nearby restaurant, ordered food that sounded delicious in a portion size that I felt comfortable would be enough to get me to dinner but not enough to fill me up completely, and then sat and ate with enjoyment. By myself. Without worrying that others were judging me for what or how much I was eating.

Yes, I’m still fat, and that’s OK.

Filed Under: Health & Wellness Tagged With: depression, It's the journey, Life lessons 6 Comments

If at first you don’t win the Fitbit Zip, try and try again

April 12, 2013 By Denise 2 Comments

Only one lucky person – Greta, in this case – could win the Tenth Blogiversary Fitbit Zip raffle, which makes me feel slightly guilty. If I could buy each of you one of these wonderful gadgets, I would, honestly, but I can’t. Then I found out that Emmie is giving away a Fitbit Zip on her blog this week and I thought I ought to pass that information along in case any of you aren’t already following Emmie’s blog.

Go on over, enter the contest, and tell Emmie that Denise sent you. (You don’t have to do that last part, I’ve just always wanted to say that!)

Filed Under: Health & Wellness Tagged With: Fitbit, giveaway 2 Comments

Finding my balance, or how I learned to fit one of my favorite snacks into my healthy lifestyle

April 9, 2013 By Denise Leave a Comment

This is a sponsored post which includes a discount offer code provided for readers of this blog by Pacific Beach Peanut Butter. I was provided with three jars of Pacific Beach Peanut Butter products in return for this review. All opinions are my own.

I’ve never been much of a snacker, particularly not when I’m “on a diet”. In the past, my point of view has been that snacking leads to binge eating or simply takes up calories that would be better spent as part of one my three main meals. Of course the problem with that way of eating is that I get hungry in between meals and to think that I’ll just white-knuckle my way through hunger pangs until dinner is wholly unrealistic. (It’s also completely inconsistent with the philosophy behind Project Me, which strives to create a healthy lifestyle that I can maintain forever while also raising the overall quality of my life.)

I’d been trying to incorporate more snacking into my eating for a few weeks when, early in March, the leader of my Weigh 2 Eat group talked to us about the importance of pairing different foods for snacking. Basically it comes down to this: a snack should always consist of a carb – preferably a fruit, veggie, or whole grain option – with either a fat or a protein source. Eating just the carbohydrate food alone will raise blood sugars in the short term and will not give you long-term satiety, which is why you’re snacking in the first place.

At about the same time, I was contacted by a representative of a San Diego-based, family-owned small business, Pacific Beach Peanut Butter, about trying some of their products and writing here about my opinions. When Life hands you yummy peanut butter, it’s got to be a sign, right?

Anyway, I received three variations of their all natural, gluten-free peanut butter products:

Each of these products makes me happy in a different way.

I love the Unsalted Organic variety with celery stalks on a Saturday afternoon in between snacks. The celery has a slightly salty taste to it so the Unsalted variety is the perfect companion and gives me a nice boost of energy that lasts until dinner time for only 180 calories.

The regular Organic peanut butter I could honestly eat by the spoonful (and might have done just that in a different life) but instead I’ve settled into a happy routine of dipping slices of apple into two tablespoons of this yummy source of satiety during the afternoon at work when my mind starts to wander and the snack machine begins her siren song. Sweet apple – my favorite variety is called Honeycrisp – combines perfectly with the peanutty goodness and I feel like I’m straying from the healthy life when in fact I’ve got a perfect combination of healthy carbohydrate with just a touch of healthy fat plus not a small amount of protein and about 250 calories.

Leaving my favorite for last is tough but here goes…

Oh CinnaYum spread, how much do I love thee on top of my Greek yogurt in the morning? With zero grams of sugar and only 70 calories for a tablespoon of amazingly-sweet-and-salty-all-at-once yumminess, this is just the perfect way to start my day. Besides, cinnamon has been shown to help control blood sugar and you know I’m all about taking care of my diabetes. As a topper for a six-ounce container of plain, nonfat Greek yogurt, this tasty treat weighs in at a skinny 170 calories which still leaves plenty of room for hard boiled eggs and some nonfat milk in my morning cup of tea.

The kind folks at Pacific Beach Peanut Butter have provided me with a coupon code to share with you. Buy any of their tasty peanut butter products and receive a jar of your choice for free. Add your chosen free jar to the cart along with the rest of your order for the discount to apply. OFFER CODE: blogger03 will be good now through April 15th, so go on and give these products a try – if you love peanut butter as much as I do, you will not regret it!

Filed Under: Promotions Tagged With: product review Leave a Comment

Ten year blogiversary and I’m buying one of YOU a gift!

April 3, 2013 By Denise 21 Comments

A few weeks ago when I was writing a different entry, I realized with a shock that the tenth anniversary of my blog was coming up. I can’t believe it’s been ten years already. I really had no idea when I found Blogger and wrote my very first post that I’d still be at it ten years on and I surely hadn’t a clue how it would change my life, either.

Screen Shot 2013 03 31 at 12.50.44 PM 300x136 Ten year blogiversary and Im buying one of YOU a gift!

My original home

Through writing here (well, here and there, if we’re being literal), I gained so much confidence and made friends from far-flung places like Australia, Scotland, Iceland, and North Carolina. While I still battle with depression and diabetes, through my writing I know that I’m not alone even if I’m the only one in the room at the time. My blog gave me a sense of pride when pride was something I could only vaguely remember from before I started gaining weight. I have traveled to several blog conferences, learned more about how to hone my writing, and have picked back up the photography hobby I had forgotten about since I was 12. And now my blog is serving as my accountability partner, an integral part of Project Me, my one year quest to improve the quality of my life.

And it all started with a single blog post.

In honor of this auspicious occasion, I’m giving one lucky reader a Fitbit Zip activity tracker. If you’ve been around for a while, you’ll know how much I love my Fitbit activity tracker and Aria scale – they are both indispensable tools as I transform my body and my life, so it seems to me only fitting that I celebrate ten years of blogging by giving one of my readers the chance to transform their body, too, and perhaps their life as well.

To enter, just use the giveaway widget below. The raffle will close at 12:00 am EDT next Friday, April 12, 2013. Good luck!

ETA: And the winner is…my sweet friend, Greta Funk. I’ve contacted Greta to find out which color Fitbit she’d like and where to send.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Finally, I want to thank you – whether you’ve been reading here for years or if this is your first visit – because it’s knowing that you’re here that brings me to my keyboard to put my thoughts out into the world. Without you, there would be no blog or at least the blog wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.

Here’s to another ten or so years!

Filed Under: Ramblings Tagged With: blog 21 Comments

Project Me March retrospective plus my April goals

April 1, 2013 By Denise 2 Comments

How did I do this month? Not bad, honestly. My blood sugar is consistently in recommended ranges, my mood has been mostly good with a few blips that I rode out with some deep breathing and less harsh self-judgment than in the past – all good. I’ve lost some weight, too, which certainly never hurts although it’s not the prime focus of this project.

So let’s get specific. My goals for March were:

Make appointments with my endocrinologist (Diabetes doctor), my general practitioner (for my annual exam), and my optometrist – Never did make that appointment with the eye doctor so that needs to be my first priority tomorrow morning at work.
Work out at gym five or six times a week, 45 minutes each visit – Done and done. Whether I go to the gym five or six times in a week generally depends on what else I’ve got going on, not whether or not I want to work out. The girl at the front desk at the gym knows me now and told a newbie there that I was “a regular” – me, a regular at the gym? Who’d have thunk it???
Eat at least two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables on three days a week – Big improvements here. On workdays in particular, I always have veggies with my lunch and dinner, and I’ve been making an effort to squeeze in a piece of fruit at least once a day during the week, too. Not doing as well on weekends but my calories are still in line with expectations, so I’m giving myself some slack. Besides, I said I’d do it three days a week and I’m definitely in line with that goal.
Cook dinner at home at least twice a week – Nope. Not once. I have subscribed to a meal planning service and yet still nothing. This is a continuing source of frustration. I am eating well and getting in the nutrients I need but I really want to be able to cook at home and I’m not.
Schedule an anti-aging facial and make it a monthly thing – Didn’t get to this one, either.

Alright then, so what will I be working on for April?

Let’s first look back at my bigger goals for 2013, which are

fasting blood sugar reading below 130 mg/dL
triglycerides reading less than 150 mg/dL
body weight at or below 220 pounds,
and an improved quality of life as perceived by me

Goals for April:

Make appointments with my optometrist and a periodontist – The eye doctor is more of a preventative measure (to make sure diabetes isn’t damaging my vision) but the periodontist is something I’ve been putting off dealing with for five years. I have very bad gum disease – turns out that’s probably due to my diabetes – and I haven’t done anything about it since I had costly and painful root scaling surgeries in 2008. Once the doctor told me I’d need a further four surgeries after that and that EACH ONE would cost about $5,000 (none of which was covered by insurance), I just sort of gave up on trying to get better and decided just to wait until my teeth fell out. (Yes, I know how insane that sounds.) That philosophy is not in line with improving the quality of my life – how does hating my teeth fit in with a healthy lifestyle??? – and I need to do something about it, now.
Take 10,000 steps per day at least 5 days a week – right now I’m averaging about 9,000 so this will be a bit more work but not unreasonable.
Cook one meal at home in April – if I can’t manage that, I might just give up on cooking entirely.
Make an appointment with my hair stylist for highlights – the gray in my hair is making me feel old and sad. I’m thinking honey blonde and auburn but I’ll let the expert decide!

Project Me March retrospective plus my April goals

fun by hodgers via Flickr

Do something fun at least once a week – I spend so much time doing what has to be done (work, volunteering, parenting an adult former foster child) and almost none actually having fun. I feel as though I’m always running after something elusive, just in front of me, that will make everything perfect and right so that I can relax and just enjoy my life. But I’ve come to realize that there is never going to be a perfect and right time in my life but if I don’t start to have some fun then what is the point? One of my big goals for Project Me is to improve the quality of my life, and I cannot think of anything more important for attaining that goal than having fun!

So those are my goals for April, now you: What will you accomplish in the next 30 days?

Filed Under: Project Me Tagged With: eating well with diabetes, exercising to help control my blood sugar, Fun, Learning to let go 2 Comments

I get by with a little help from my (blog) friends

March 28, 2013 By Denise 5 Comments

In the old days, when this blog was shiny and new (nearly 10 years ago now), there was no Facebook, no Twitter, no Pinterest, no Instagram – there was email and there was your blog. I don’t remember who left the first comment on my blog but I remember vividly how my heart lurched with pride when I saw that comment in my email. I suppose there was a way to track your traffic back then – I think SiteMeter was up and running then – but I didn’t have anything like that, so the comment was the first way that I ever knew anyone had read my blog. I am smiling now, all these years later, just thinking of it.

I do, very distinctly, though, remember on whose site I left my very first comment – it was Lori’s original blog, Tales of a Bathroom Scale. She was pretty and funny and talented, and enough like me that I just knew we’d be best friends if we didn’t live cross the continent from each other. We were single, we both had cats, and we were losing weight and blogging about it. A lot. (I don’t know how or why I used to post as much as I did but I can’t imagine doing so now.) And then both of us met boys who made our hearts flutter and we married them. So we blog a lot less now but we’ve never lost touch.

We’d been corresponding recently via Twitter about the Old School Weight Loss blogging club we’re going to form – in our spare time, mind you! – and chatting about the various weight loss badges we would award to members as they met various random goals. This morning I woke to find this slice of Heaven in my email inbox:

And that, simply put, friends, is why I love her so much: she’s just the sweetest, most talented, most clever girl on the Internet.

Yes, blogging has evolved light years from where it used to be but some truths are unchanging. We all write in solitude and hope that someone will come along and read what we’ve written. But sometimes, when we’re very, very lucky, we also find a true friend along the way.

Filed Under: Ramblings Tagged With: blog 5 Comments

Today I am sad OR how to deal with your emotions when you can’t eat them away

March 25, 2013 By Denise Leave a Comment

“My health is more important than a bean and cheese burrito.”

“I’m sad but it will pass and I don’t need to eat something to make that happen.”

These are the new messages I’m chanting over and over inside my head, trying to drown out the old, established favorites, like:

“Did someone make you feel bad? Here, have a piece of cheese.”

“I feel like crap. I need Mexican food, stat.”

“I’m not strong enough to handle this by myself, so I’ll turn to my favorite friend, food.”

CHIMICHANGA burrito Today I am sad OR how to deal with your emotions when you cant eat them away

my favorite chimichanga burrito

What I’m learning is that, much like my time on the treadmill each morning is building my physical strength, I need to build my emotional muscles, too. I feel sad and am tired, so I’m having a cup of tea and then I’m going home for a nap before dinner.

Are you one of the lucky ones who never even associates sadness or anger with a binge of epic proportions? If so, can you share: how do you handle feeling sad or angry without using food?

Filed Under: Health & Wellness Tagged With: dealing with emotions without turning to food Leave a Comment

How am I doing? (a check in)

March 24, 2013 By Denise Leave a Comment

Things are going well here at Lottalatte Central, at least health-wise. My blood sugar readings are consistently good, I’m at the gym at least five mornings a week for 45 minutes a go, and I’m eating nearly no white carbs while adding loads more beans, fruits, and veggies to my meals. TCB is also monitoring his food intake and is incredibly supportive of my need to get a grip on my health; we have honestly never been happier.

28530048 ebf9e5ca7b How am I doing? (a check in)

Balanced rocks by gr8what via Flickr

On the other side of the equation, our 20 year old house guest – Alcott’s 20 year old sister – disappeared for 28 days with nary a word then when I inquired as to when she planned to come and get her things (and her cat), got very offended, stomped up and down the stairs in silence for 90 minutes while moving out, and has been ignoring us ever since. I suppose it’s silly of me to expect some kind of “thank you” for the nine months we let her stay with us rent and household expense free but I’m still bothered by her behavior. Still, it’s for the best and her leaving has given me the time I’ve needed to focus on working out and eating properly, so all’s well that ends well.

While my blood sugar has been responding beautifully to the changes in diet and exercise, the scale has not been as ready to drop. Not to say that I’m not losing weight, it’s just that when your mind has already shifted into “I’m living a healthy lifestyle and I’m a healthy, fit person” mode, it’s disconcerting to realize that it’s not that simple when it comes to losing weight. I didn’t gain 100 pounds overnight – although it sometimes feels like it! – and it’s not going to come off that way, either. I keep catching myself day dreaming about all of the gorgeous clothes I’m going to wear “soon”, when I can fit into normal clothing sizes instead of being stuck with the few items of plus sized clothing that don’t look like they were made by Omar the Tent Maker. The problem arises when I realize with a thud that I’m still MILES and MILES from anywhere near being out of plus sizes. “But I’m ready now,” wails my poor, confused brain, while my body just goes about the difficult business of shedding over 100 pounds in a safe and sane manner.

It’s a difficult business, this healthy living gig.

Filed Under: Health & Wellness Tagged With: eating well with diabetes, exercising to help control my blood sugar, glycemic control, type two diabetes Leave a Comment

Doing my bit for Science

March 22, 2013 By Denise Leave a Comment

Having diabetes stinks. No really, it does. It’s not the dread Death Sentence some media outlets like to make it out to be but it definitely does stink.

(Did you know that insulin can make you gain weight? Insulin which most Type 2 diabetics will end up needing at some point in their lives? Basically, you need to lose weight to help control your blood sugar but the drug that you need to help you manage your blood sugar will make it tougher to lose weight. Just one of the special little gifts that come with your diabetes diagnosis – yay!)

Then you’ve got the stigma attached to being a person with Type 2 diabetes. Because one of the risk factors for Type 2 is being overweight, there’s a perception that we “deserve” this disease because we wouldn’t be here if we weren’t fat. Seriously, I’ve had people tell me that to my face. Whether that’s true or not, no one deserves diabetes and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Three times yearly visits to the endocrinologist (diabetes doctor). Keeping track of what you eat versus your pre- and post-meal blood sugar readings so that you can try to figure out which foods don’t send your body into orbit with extra sugar. Finding it harder to lose weight even as your doctor tells you that you “really ought to” focus on losing some weight. Is it any wonder that so many diabetics also battle depression? And of course, depression can make getting out of bed a huge accomplishment, much less exercising and planning nutritious, low calorie meals. It’s all much easier with support from friends and family but the depression and shame can make it tough to reach out.

Enter Ginger.io, a company dedicated to using big data to help make new discoveries for treating chronic diseases like diabetes. I recently signed up for a pilot they are running to gather passive data about activity levels among Type 2 diabetics that can be used for several purposes.

sanofi landing page 122712 c 300x232 Doing my bit for Science

In essence, each of the participants downloads an application to their smart phone and then just goes about their daily business. Every day I receive a one-question survey about my mood the day prior, and once weekly I answer a survey about how I’m doing with my diabetes tasks and another about how my quality of life has been for the past week. Simple Simon. The application then tracks how active I’ve been – not with steps or calories burned or anything like that, but how many miles I’ve traveled, text messages I’ve sent, and phone calls I’ve made. Right now the application just gives me interesting tidbits about how my activity this week compares to what I did last week or today’s travels versus yesterday’s, but the plan is that in the future, if I specify people in my support circle, the application will track how I’m doing and alert those that I specify when my activity drops and my survey results show I’m not doing well.

Imagine that: I’m dealing with depression and struggling with my diabetes, and then TCB will just know as if by magic that I need help. Wow.

In addition to the selfish part of this exercise, the application is also gathering important behavioral information about a group of folks with Type II diabetes that can then be used to help create new methods for treating diabetes and those suffering from the disease.

If you or someone you know has been diagnosed with Type II diabetes and this program sounds like something you’d like to hear more about, click here to find out more or to sign up for the on-going pilot today.

Filed Under: Diabetes Tagged With: depression, type two diabetes Leave a Comment

Goals for March (better late than never)

March 12, 2013 By Denise 2 Comments

I know it’s nearly halfway through March and here I am with my goals – shame! Work has just slammed me to the wall and we’ve had some domestic upheaval around here – not TCB and I and not the furkids – so I just haven’t had the time or the energy to write.

I have, however, had the energy to go to the gym 21 days out of 28 in February and 6 days out of 8 so far in March, and I feel very good about that.

I also tracked every morsel – no matter whether it was “good” (whatever that means) food, healthy food, a healthy or unhealthy amount of food – if I ate it or drank it, I tracked it. My Fitness Pal is my new best friend!

7176748982 2a96cbe34b z Goals for March (better late than never)

Artichoke in our community garden, taken on 4/22/12

So what are my plans for (the rest of) March?

Let’s first look back at my bigger goals for 2013, which are

fasting blood sugar reading below 130 mg/dL
triglycerides reading less than 150 mg/dL
body weight at or below 220 pounds,
and an improved quality of life as perceived by me

Goals for March:

Make appointments with my endocrinologist (Diabetes doctor), my general practitioner (for my annual exam), and my optometrist – I’ve done the first two already, so one to go
Work out at gym five or six times a week, 45 minutes each visit – need to increase my intensity because my heart rate isn’t even getting into the “moderate” exertion zone at this point but I don’t want to push my body faster than my legs can take me at this point, so it will be a slow increase
Eat at least two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables on three days a week – I’m currently not getting much fruit at all, so this will be a good improvement for me
Cook dinner at home at least twice a week – if you’ve been reading for a while, you know that I don’t currently eat at home at all. I do manage to stay within my recommended calories and get loads of veggies, but I would like to have more control of the ingredients and preparation. Besides, it would really be nice to know what I’m having for dinner before we get in the car and go back and forth about where to go for dinner. I will need to prep everything up front but it’s still d0-able.
Schedule an anti-aging facial and make it a monthly thing – I am seeing improvement in the wrinkles but I know that professional treatments will make that even better. Also, I’ve been breaking out along my chin and I’m hoping the cleansing and extractions will help with that